American Democracy as a Hospitalized Patient

History of Present Illness

American Democracy (AD) is a 231 year old patient who presents with fatigue, lethargy, bleeding from the soul, and concerns for personal safety from “demagogues,” “packed conservative courts,” and “militias.” Prior to hospitalization, AD had a waxing and waning course, at times euphoric but more often profoundly affected by racism, misogyny, and a harmful dependent addiction to money. Indeed AD has never achieved full self-realization. AD sought medical attention after one powerful demagogue repeatedly solicited foreign interference in American elections and made unfounded claims of election rigging by so-called “voters.” AD was transferred to the hospital by its primary care provider when the Supreme Court was illegitimately manipulated by one party representing a minority of citizens in an overt attempt to count only those votes favorable to said party.

Past Medical History

- Oppression

- Racism

- Misogyny

- Civil War

- Hate crimes

- Land stealing

- Disenfranchisement

Family History

Variable. Multiple democratic relatives have had success expanding, preserving, and enabling the right to vote. Several cousins that have descended into autocracies.

Social History

- Heavy alcohol and tobacco use

- Bizarre obsession with assault weapons

- Systemic racism

- System of electing leader in which “voters” choose “electors” who choose the “President.” Arcane and inequitable.

Physical Exam

General: Appears world-weary. Slumped shoulders. Jaw set.

Eyes: Usually forward looking, sporadic sideways glances.

Heart: Regular rate and rhythm; intermittent premature beats of excitement. Murmurs of hope.

Heartland: Misnomer. All states found to have worth.

Abdomen: Full of bile.

Web Mercator Projection: Mottled - red, blue, and purple. Some gray patches with insufficient data.

Polls: Illusory.

Assessment

American Democracy is on the verge of crumping. In need of immediate voter resuscitation. Condition critical. Next 48 hours are life or death.

Plan

Early vote infusion started. Patient is tolerating this well and is showing some early signs of recovery. Sustained Get Out The Vote efforts expected to be needed through tomorrow. Constant vigilance to be sure every vote is counted. Care team reminded that polls do not equal votes. Outlook guarded but optimistic.